[Mishmash] Fwd: FW: John Cleese's Letter to America
GALEHALLOCK at aol.com
GALEHALLOCK at aol.com
Sat Feb 17 18:43:11 CST 2007
Hi
I don't believe I've forwarded this to the group. My aunt sent me this to
me a few weeks ago. I forward it to the group simply because I thought it was
funny. I've always enjoyed John Cleese and hope you'll enjoy this too.
Gale
John Cleese's Letter to AmericaTo the citizens of the United States of
America
In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the
USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the
revocation of your independence, effective immediately
.
Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume
monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories
(except Kansas , which she does not fancy), as from Monday next.
Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for
America without the need for further elections. Congress and the
Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to
determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English
Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide.
You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been
pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour',
'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell
'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be
replaced by the suffix "ise."
3. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra';
you may elect to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find
you simply can't cope with correct pronunciation.
4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to
acceptable levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same
twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
"like" and "you know" is unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication.
5.There is no such thing as " US English." We will let Microsoft
know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be
adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of
"-
ize."
6. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
Queen", but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).
7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November
2nd will be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in
England . It will be called "Come-Uppance Day."
8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers
and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.
Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough
to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a
therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry
anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will
be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this
is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you
will understand what we mean.
11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you
will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the
same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of
conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
understand the British sense of humour.
12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have
been calling "gasoline") - roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call
French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling
potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut,
fried in animal fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar.
14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive
with customers.
15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as "Lager." American brands will
be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so that all can be
sold without risk of further confusion.
16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors
as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors
to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt
English dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin
to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
17. You will cease playing American "football." There is only one
kind of proper football; you call it "soccer". Those of you brave
enough will, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some
similarities to American "football", but does not involve stopping
for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour
like a bunch of nancies).
18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable
to host an event called the "World Series" for a game which is
not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there
is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her
Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the
acquisition of all monies due backdated to 1776.
Thank you for your co-operation.
John Cleese
-----------------
Forwarded Message:
Subj: Re: Fwd: [Mishmash] FW: John Cleese's Letter to America Date:
02/01/2007 7:03:20 A.M. Eastern Standard Time From: _nbruske at beaumont.edu_
(mailto:nbruske at beaumont.edu) To: _Hallock825551 at aol.com_
(mailto:Hallock825551 at aol.com) Sent from the Internet _(Details)_ (aolmsg://028f4238/inethdr/2)
John Cleese needs an attitude adjustment!!
By the way, your mother really seemed to be quite thrilled that you and Rob
saw her last weekend. She described all of your activities.
I'm going up north this weekend to try out my new cell phone (and freeze my
you-know-what off). Cingular didn't want me any more because I make most of
my calls on my cell "out of network" (up north) and they are losing money on
me because they don't have towers up north. Therefore, I have a new cell
phone (Sprint) who apparently has coverage up there. My new number (in case you
ever want to reach me) is 231-392-5654. I got the 231 area code because I
figured Sprint would catch on to me some time in the future and reject me like
Cingular did if I got the 248 area code. Hopefully, they won't catch on
because I really do use my cell up north a lot more than I use it here (no land
line up north--hopefully saving money by using cell alone).
So, prepare yourself, I may call you this weekend because I have 30 days to
return this phone if it doesn't work--hence, I'm calling everyone I can think
of. Gay has already told me that I have called too much if I get the
message that everyone but me should leave a message! I'll try to keep it down to
one or two calls.
>>> <Hallock825551 at aol.com> 01/31/07 9:04 PM >>>
:
John Cleese's Letter to AmericaTo the citizens of the United States of
America
In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the
USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the
revocation of your independence, effective immediately
.
Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume
monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories
(except Kansas , which she does not fancy), as from Monday next.
Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for
America without the need for further elections. Congress and the
Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to
determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English
Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide.
You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been
pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour',
'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell
'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be
replaced by the suffix "ise."
3. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra';
you may elect to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find
you simply can't cope with correct pronunciation.
4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to
acceptable levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same
twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
"like" and "you know" is unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication.
5.There is no such thing as " US English." We will let Microsoft
know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be
adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of
"-
ize."
6. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
Queen", but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).
7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November
2nd will be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in
England . It will be called "Come-Uppance Day."
8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers
and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.
Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough
to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a
therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry
anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will
be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this
is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you
will understand what we mean.
11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you
will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the
same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of
conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
understand the British sense of humour.
12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have
been calling "gasoline") - roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call
French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling
potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut,
fried in animal fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar.
14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive
with customers.
15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as "Lager." American brands will
be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so that all can be
sold without risk of further confusion.
16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors
as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors
to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt
English dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin
to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
17. You will cease playing American "football." There is only one
kind of proper football; you call it "soccer". Those of you brave
enough will, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some
similarities to American "football", but does not involve stopping
for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour
like a bunch of nancies).
18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable
to host an event called the "World Series" for a game which is
not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there
is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her
Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the
acquisition of all monies due backdated to 1776.
Thank you for your co-operation.
John Cleese
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