[Mishmash] FW: This is Funny !!!!!!

[David Brown]

I think this is priceless.  I am thinking it would make a good Christmas
present for the boys.

D

> 
> Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased
> his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their
> anniversary submitted this:
> 
>  Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
> sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th
>  anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my
> wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized
>  taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with
> no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate
> time to retreat to safety....
> 
>  WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
> home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing
> and pushed the button. Nothing!  I was disappointed. I learned,
> however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal
> surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting
> back and forth between the prongs.
> 
>  AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that
> burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
> 
>  Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
> it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries,
> right?!!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on
> intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and
> thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood
> moving  target.  I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a
> fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet
> cat. But, if I
>  was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a
> mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
> advertised.............Am I wrong?
> 
>  So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
> glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
> hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second
> burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
> supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
> three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
> ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds
> would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this
> little device measuring about 5"  long, less than 3/4 inch in
> circumference; pretty  cute really and  (loaded with two itsy, bits
> triple-A batteries) thinking to myself,  "no possible way!"
> 
>  What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
> best...
> 
>  I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to
> one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one- second
> burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I
> decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I
> touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button,
> and...............
> 
>  HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!
>  I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked
> me up in the recliner, and then body slammed us both on the carpet,
> over and over and over again.  I vaguely recall waking up on my side
> in the foetal  position, with  tears in my eyes, body soaking wet,
> both nipples  on fire, testicles  nowhere to be found, with my left
> arm tucked under  my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my
> legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never
> heard
>  before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it
> again, stupid, do it again!"
> 
>  Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one
> note of caution : there is no such thing as a
> one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that
> thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing
> about on the floor. A three-second burst would be considered
> conservative.
> 
>  SON-OF-A-... That hurt like **% !!! A minute or so later (I can't be
> sure, as time was a relative thing at that point),
>  I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the
> landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the
> fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and
> both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot
> up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking
> for my testicles! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe
> return.
> 
>  Still in shock.
> 
> P. S. My wife loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!
> 
> 
> "If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid."