[Mishmash] The Liberal Bill of Rights

[Fred Atkinson]

Freedom of Speech, Press, Religion and Petition 
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Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof [unless it offends someone or the religion is Christianity]; or abridging the freedom of speech [unless it offends someone or is contrary to the President's agenda], or of the press [with the exception of Fox News or other Conservative media] or the right of the people peaceably to assemble [excluding the Tea Party but not excluding Occupy Wall Street] and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances [except when the President over reaches his power of executive immunity to protect his political allies].    


Right to keep and bear arms 
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A well-regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed [unless the President decides it is no longer safe for the American People to have them due to some tragic event].  


Conditions for quarters of soldiers 
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No soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law [but this may be amended at the discretion of the President like all other provisions of the Bill of Rights and the Constitution].  


Right of search and seizure regulated 
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The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no warrants shall issue [in the case of an illegal alien or terrorist] but upon probable cause, supported by oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized [except when boarding an aircraft].  


Provisions concerning prosecution 
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No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a Grand Jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the militia, when in actual service in time of war or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offense to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use without just compensation [like all other provisions, this is subject to revision at the President's whim].  


Right to a speedy trial, witnesses, etc. 
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In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the State and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation [except when it would be embarrassing to the President]; to be confronted with the witnesses against him [unless 'him' happens to be the President or the U. S. Attorney General in which case the President may abuse executive power to make it go away] to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor [but not for whistleblowers that speak out against the executive branch] and to have the assistance of counsel for his defense [the full resources of the. Attorney General, in the case of the President or his liberal allies, but not Conservatives].  


Right to a trial by jury 
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In suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury shall be otherwise reexamined in any court of the United States, than according to the rules of the common law [unless the government decides that it does not have the resources and can no longer provide trial by jury because it would inconvenience them].  


Excessive bail, cruel punishment 
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Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted [if you are an illegal alien or a terrorist].  


Rule of construction of Constitution 
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The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people [but not when it offends someone who is from another culture].  


Rights of the States under Constitution 
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The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States,  are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people [wink, wink].  

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